90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
