You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow