she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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