I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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