I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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