This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
