I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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