I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
