Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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