Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
