I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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