If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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