Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
