some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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