Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
