My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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