non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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