the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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