A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
