I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
