dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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