Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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