Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
