does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
