I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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