I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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