Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
