I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
