dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
