She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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