My friends, they love my intelligence
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
