I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
