My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There was a lot of him and a little penis
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
