that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
