So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
