the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she peed on how many people?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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