I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
