i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
