Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
