right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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