im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
