Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
