I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny