u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
another moral hangover. fuck.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
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I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
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He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.