tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.