I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.