So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Are we still banned from the library?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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