I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
