Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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