I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
