Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
