You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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