Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
