how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?