a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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