I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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