I hate your face
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
