your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
