If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
