started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
