I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
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i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
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My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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