just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
