i wish my penis had a tongue
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
